9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
These last couple of weeks have been challenging for me, and I think for everyone in general. The majority I think would say we have feel overwhelmed and at the ends of our ropes and yet somehow we still manage to keep going. Though it's really hard to describe our experiences down here without truly understanding the context, Our Lord has put it on my heart to share a little from my journal with you.
Tuesday night
"Señor mio,
Yo no pude describir las cosas que ha pasado este semana y mis tantos emociones. (My Lord, I cannot describe the things that have happened this past week and all my emotions.) I don't understand how I can be so at the end of my rope, and yet You give me the strength to go on :) On Tuesday, after a four hour meeting about the events that have happened and coming up with a plan, between cooking dinner and breakfast, trying to be present to the kids, community night...feeling lack of support from all sides, I went to bed defeated. I was hoping selfishly when I woke up that they wouldn't be many people at the clinic. My heart dropped as Laura and I approached and saw at least 20 people outside. Oh but Jesus how generous You are, thank You for such a beautiful friend in Laura. She looked at me and said, "We can do this. Let's pray." We prayed together and You provided us the energy and we finished up around 3:) and I still had energy to coach girls soccer and put on tema (catechesis ages 7-12), and then after that...just when we think we're in the calm we had 2 other emergencies..."
Thursday
"Oh Jesus,
Today, what a day. Despite that I felt I couldn't possibly do more Tuesday, here it is Thursday and somehow we're still going. We heard that the father of Selvin & Elvis (2 of our employees) was sick so we made it a priority to go visit and bring supplies to help. (Don Hildofonso contracted meningitis 2 years ago and has been paralyzed from the waist down since. His wife has been by his side caring for him night and day.) It was an experience I can't even describe and for this I am glad You know my heart:)
When we entered the room and I looked at this man or what was left of his earthly body, I could just see the suffering in his face. We sat and listened while his wife told us of her troubles with the hospital, how they weren't coming to the house, or giving them supplies (home health in nonexistent here), and how when they did go to the hospital no one attended to them for 8 hours!
While a sister-in-law was giving her goodbyes tearfully, I stood close to the door to give them the little privacy that I could. Looking around the sun was shining, birds chirping, this beautiful but simple 2 room, open concrete house, with a view out the window people pay for back home, and yet so much suffering. A common phrase you hear, "Eso es la vida" That's life. And it's so true, the world keeps going. This lady, who I just met today, is saying goodbye to her family, knowing that this will be the last time she will see him. How do you ever plan a goodbye like that?
We asked permission to tend to his three ulcers (2 of which were necrotic), urinary cath and place an IV. (He was very dehydrated. He had not been wanting to drink because his throat hurt. On examination he also had thrush) Oh Jesus, how thin he was, and his ulcers! Thank You for giving me the strength to care for him. All the while watching the true sacrificial love of his wife attending every need. Si Dios quiere (If our Lord wills it) I desire to give myself to someone in this way, one day:)"
Placing an IV on a person who probably hasn't had anything to drink for at least day, weighs about 70lbs, and all you have are 20G needles is a bit daunting. I was asking our Lady to help me find a good vein. The first one "blew" and as I sat there looking for another vein I was desperately pleading with our Mother. "Mami, he needs this fluid and we only have 1 IV left. Please guide my hands because I have no special equipment, no PICC nurse if I can't get it, this is it." Thanks to the grace of our Lady, she guided my hands and we were able to get a bolus going. One of his son was carving a big stick outside to use for a pole to hang the fluids. Our plan was to come back Saturday and reassess.
We let him rest and we ate lunch that one of his daughters prepared for us. Their family had been involved since the beginnings of the Finca. They were sharing stories of all the old missionaries with us. What an important role each person has played in their lives...Jesus I just feel like I am truly living when I am there with the people in the pueblos. I don't even know how to explain it. Laura and I were both so grateful to go and I can't even explain how much I enjoy having a friend with whom to share these experiences.
"We left after about 4.5 hours, just in time to give the women's group a ride to visit them same family:) What a beautiful community! Thank God I was able to nap for an hour, but oh Jesus waking up I learned that Don Hildofonso had left this earth. Just an hour ago I was with him. How fragile life is, and how quickly it can change! All that could come to my mind was the verse, when Elizabeth exclaimed to our Mother at the visitation, "¿Cómo he merecido yo que venga a mí Señor?" ("Whom am I that the mother of our Lord should come to me?") But it was, who am I Lord that I should have the privilege and the honor of caring for You in the flesh the last 4 hours this man remained on earth? Did I care for him as if I was looking into Your face? Was I just in task mode attending to his body? Did I give him the dignity and respect as a person? Did I just torture him in his last few hours redressing his wounds and placing an IV? I didn't even know this man and I was chosen to spend 4 hours with a man who would die in the next 2, why?"
In my selfishness as I sat there thinking how I felt, a fellow missionary said he would be going at 7pm to pay his respects to the family and if anyone wanted to come. I was surprised to learn that we were going to pay our respects the same night, but said of course I would want to. 7pm? But it already 5pm? It just seemed so strange. Not only did we go but all the missionaries, and the 2 oldest houses with their house parents, and most of our watchis (security). As all of us packed into the busito and headed up the mountain the road was lined with neighbors all walking up to the vigil! How beautiful is this community! I mean this man passed away at around 4pm and here it is not even 7pm and these people have stopped their lives to go and support this family. I know many beautiful and giving people back home, but still I have never seen a community as a whole stop their lives within 2 hours to just be present with another. It was a very humbling experience. When we arrived the house and the yard were packed with people. There must have been at least 100 people. There were people helping cook, they were people serving drinks, and they were people just sitting outside, but their support for the family was overwhelming to me. A lot of times I think if I'm doing anything that I'm not really helping and yet these people understood the importance of their presence. Laura and I made our way into the crowded house in attempt to see and give a hug to the family. As we were waiting in the kitchen I watched as his sons carried a coffin into the room I had been in only hours before and we all listened to his wife wailing as it was sealed with nails. I have never heard a coffin being sealed, but each pound to the nail just brought into the realization the profound silence that would follow, not so much in the room, but for his wife. She is a lady of great faith. She had told us earlier that day that she was ready to accept the Lord's will and she knew that might mean that he would not recover the way he had other times. She said I know I say this know but it will be different when I walk into the room and it is quiet.
We made our way around to all the family, and our hearts hurt with them and for them. Sometimes all you can do is give an embrace, and often I find it is more comforting.
As I sat back down, one of the neighborhood kids came and sat with me and a Kit (missionary) told me, Angel, (neighbor child), said my mom says we're staying until the mañanita and then we're going to go home so I can change to go to school. This just blew my mind. So I learned it is customary to have a velatorio o vigil the night that someone dies to support the family every hour for the entire night.
As we headed out with the kids around 11pm I just remember that despite all my surface emotions of sadness and confusion mixed with exhaustion, deep down there was a current of deep joy and appreciation to have been a witness and to live and share these experiences with this community.
.JPG)