It's not my foot that hurts...

Thank you so for all those who read and responded to my last blog post. I chose to share some of the harder, more real experiences with you not for pity, or recognition, or even because I personally wanted to, but because I have been asking our Lord to teach me how to love. His response the Holy Spirit prompting my heart to share more of myself. This has been a struggle for me because I would rather give myself through listening to others. It is safer because even though it still requires giving, you are not vulnerable. However, our Lord has been teaching me that this is not true love. To truly love is to share yourself, your real self. My life, these experiences are not just for me. It is one of the hard lessons I am learning at the moment, along with another one I'd like (or rather our Lord would like me) to share with you called humility:)

 

So know that I have shared with you my mentally and spiritual struggles, and now I will share with you some of the physical. So I have been struggling on and off with bouts of stomach sickness (vomiting and diarrhea) since Guatemala in August. The first 2 months I blew it off as transition in language school. Then when we arrived at the Finca I attributed to stress, diet change, fried food, a few days when we had no water and then it came back super dirty, and a million other reasons. Gracias a Dios I took amoeba meds and I haven't had problems since, and not a day too soon because now I'm on crutches!

 

...So I was running from house to house early in the morning Dia de Amor y Amistad, Valentine's Day, delivering flowers to our beautiful girls and as I was running sliced my foot on something. Of course being a nurse my mind quickly switched into assessment mode. Blood, need to stop the bleeding. Can I make it to the clinic? Nope ok closest house. House 1 but it's full on little girls (ages 7-10), hmmm next best option house 2 (teenage girls). I felt so bad as I hopped over there with blood pouring out of my foot because the girls faces were like, "oh no what do we do? what's going on? there's so much blood." So thank God I stayed calm and He helped me delegate tasks, "Someone please give me a towel so I can stop the bleeding, someone please run to the missionary house and grab the other nurse, (This would have been a great time to call the clinical team phone but there's no service in Trujillo at the moment...gotta love Honduras.) and don't worry about asking for permission because all the missionaries are still sleeping. haha. ( We always as for permission before entering anyone's house). So poor Laura (missionary NP) shows up looking very confused. ( I can't imagine the story she got coming over) and she helped me hop over to the clinic. 

 

So many people have been asking what happened with the sound of pity in their voice as if that is supposed to help me feel better, but really I consider it a blessing. Everything happens for a reason. And this I have recognized to be a continued lesson of humility. Practically speaking I have better access to health care here then in the states! I help run a clinic, and I live with an NP! I didn't have to wait in any line or even traffic to get to a hospital. Laura did a great job stitching me up within half and hour.

 

Crutches is another story! I don't know how many crutch teachings I've given. haha. but I don't know what else to say but it's hard. I remember our PT always asking what kind of setup people had a home, stair. Well we have dirt paths, rocks, sand, stair without rails. It's like the xgames for crutches!:)

 

No but seriously, it's not my foot that hurts. This lesson has truly been hard for me, as I sit with my foot elevated and let others help me. I am a person, who by God's grace has been given gifts to serve, to keep going and giving even when you're not sure where the energy or strength will come from, and not because I feel this self-righteous, holier than thou desire, but because that is what truly makes my heart beat. It is when I'm serving others that I my whole being feel alive. Letting others serve me on the other hand is unknown territory for me. I don't like how it feels, I feel without purpose, I feel lazy, like I'm not giving. It is very humbling. My missionary family, the kids, and the tias, have been ready and willing to help me and I have been struggling to let them. I feel like Peter, and the Lord is trying to wash my feet and I'm telling Him no Jesus you can't as He responds well then you can't enter the kingdom of heaven." Ok Jesus but I can't do it, you have to help me. And He has been. It is the continuation of the lesson of how to love more truly. You can not truly love if you do not know how to receive it. 

 

Although my arms are sore, and my humanness is frustrated my soul recognizes the great growth that is taking place. I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day, I am truly grateful for the special gift of love that our Lord gave to me this day in the form a small cut on my foot that reminded me  of the fragility  of our humanity. It showed me how dependent we need to be on our Lord and each other, and though it is a small, give me the opportunity to unite my small suffering with His own in the cross.